Ep. 7~The best lines, IMO

Wow, this episode was seriously missing some funny lines. I guess this was a pretty serious episode, what with Santanna coming out and the elections for class president and all the other stuff. But here are a few funny quips that I was able to catch.

Figgins: I'm sorry, but since a student had let firecrackers stuffed down his pants 3 years ago, we've had a zero-tolerance physical-violence policy.

Santanna: Is that why you've suspended all the kids who've been tossing slushies in our faces for the last 2 years?

Figgins: Slushies are not on the school board's approved list of suspend-worthy weapons.

Rachel: Buying votes is illegal!

Figgins: But it's also delicious!

Sue: Why would someone assume I'm a friend of Ellen just because I'm mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl's sport and I married myself? It just doesn't make sense!

Artie: Where's Rachel? She never misses applause.

Ep. 6~The best lines, IMO

Sue Sylvester

Sue: Baboons are dangerous killers who throw their own feces when they're not tearing off people's faces or admiring their own weird butts.

Sue: I have a cause. Several actually. I hate the arts... and a bunch of other stuff. If you wanna win, find yourself a cause, my friend, and then start flinging poo. Winning is really about poo-flinging.

Kurt: I refuse to believe that. I agree that perhaps I need a better cause, but I'm going to win this thing without having to fling a single stinky nugget.

Sue: Burt Hummel claims he doesn't have a baboon heart. He also claims he isn't married to a donkey. Well which is it, Burt Hummel? Baboon heart or donkey bride? Donkeys have no place in politics. They bite off children's fingers and pee absolutely anywhere. Do we really need another Washington politician married to a pack animal? Don't let Burt Hummel make an ass out of you, Ohio.

Becky: Polls have you in at first place, coach. Almost everyone loves the new ad.

Sue: Almost everyone? Well, that ad was bullet-proof. I accused Burt Hummel of using his tire-shop to sexually assault automobiles. What's not to like about that?

Santanna Lopez

Santanna: Hey there, orca.

Finn: Hey, Santanna. You look like an ass-less J. Lo. (Santanna laughs)

Rory: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.

Santanna: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of.

Brittany: Not one word.

Santanna: You seriously think you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how mi abuela put me to sleep at night, and she is not a nice lady. You know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't 'til I got to Kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage-face.

Santanna: Oh, it's on, Pillsbury dough-turd.

Santanna: You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. And yet at some point I must have liked that you looked like a taco addict who's had one too many back-alley liposuctions.

Rory: Whoa.

Santanna: Please stick a sock in it, or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown... I'm sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years, and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coat-tails for the rest of your life. Although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent out of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the hannukah lamp for 8 magical nights.

Britanny S. Pears

Brittany: Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it.

Mercedes: I was up half the night thinking about our mashup for the mashoff, and it came to me. Adele.

Sugar: I sound just like her.

Brittany: Dude, I love her! She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings.

Noah Puckerman

Puck: I made a list of reasons we should be together. Number 1: You're hot. Number 2: I'm hot.

Puck: It's happened. The Lion King, Puck-fasa has been caged.

Campaign speeches

Rick "the Stick" Nielsen: So. I was talking to my dad, who says that since he pays taxes and stuff, like, for teachers, which pretty much means that we're your boss. So I think it's time that the teachers started doing what we say. And how about you stop talking in class, Mrs. Jannisek? Everything you say is boring. Vote Rick the Stick!

Britanny: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our schools safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, I pledge to go topless. (Large response from the audience.) Whoo!

Kurt: Although she knows it to be untrue, my opponent Brittany stated that my face was used as a template for Hasbro's successful line of My Little Ponies.

Shelby: Maybe competition will bring out the best in them.

Will: Or maybe it'll turn into World War Glee.

Finn: Have you ever heard of the term trash talk?

Rory: Is that when you discuss trash?

Ep. 5~The best lines, IMO

Kurt Hummel & Blaine Anderson (who completely owned this episode, dialogue-wise. ^_^)

Kurt: Do you think I'm boring?

Blaine: Are you crazy?! You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.

Blaine: Tearing off all your clothes is sort of a tall order.

Kurt: Because of the layers?

Blaine: Because of the layers.

Kurt: Okay, number 5. Alright, this is really embarrassing, I wrote this before I met you. Have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat.

Blaine: *Sharp inhale*

Kurt: Yeah, I know. It's stupid, it's stupid.

Blaine: Not it's not. It's hot.

Kurt: Chaz Donaldsworth? This doesn't even look like me.

Blaine: Don't worry, mine says I'm 38. It'll work.

Kurt: Look, there's Cher, and Tina Turner, and uh... is that Lucy or Reba?

Blaine: That is Ginger from Gilligan's Island.

Blaine: Are you going to cry every time we sing?

Beiste: I'm such a girl.

Emma: My only note is more teeth.

Karofsky: I'm what they call a bear cub.

Kurt: Because you look like Yogi?

Other funny lines

Artie: You see this face? This is what enlightenment looks like. It doesn't matter if he's in prison like Ghandi or trapped inside a woman's body like Chaz Bono, or stuck in a wheel chair like me... The key to being a director is having opinions. About everything. Even stuff you have no idea about.

Rachel: That was amazing. I've never had meat substitute before that tasted that much like real meat.

Finn: Of course, 'cause you're a vegan, which I remember, because we know each other. More sparkling cider?

Beiste: Man, I love to weld.

Cooter: Man... ever have something you really wanted to get out and just couldn't seem to do it?

Beiste: I had a chigger in my thigh once. The size of a tic-tac.

Santanna: Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body-spray.

Britanny: I lost my virginity at cheer-leading camp. He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

Ep. 4~The best lines, IMO

Brittany S. Pears

Rory: Top o' the mornin', Brittany.

Brittany: Okay, first of all, you look magical and amazing, but I don't understand what you're saying, so if you want to make it in this land, you have to speak English.

Brittany: Your magical race, they make my favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. I really wish that you would make me a box of Lucky Charms, with all marshmallows!

Rory: You're in luck. Lucky the Leprechaun happens to be my cousin, and he lives 3 toadstools down.

Brittany: Every night I feed Lord Tubbington nougat and sprinkles, and I rub his belly 7 times with glitter sticks, and so far nothing works.

Rory: You do that, because...

Brittany: I want Lord Tubbington to poop candy bars. *Rory gives her an amused look* What? Does everybody wish for that or something?

Santanna: Brit, I want to talk about, um, you know, that thing that we never talk about?

Brittany: What, that Sour Patch kids are just Gummi Bears that turned to drugs?

Santanna: Are we dating? Or what?

Brittany: Wait. Isn't this a date? Aren't you paying? 'Cause I ordered shrimp. Wasn't last week when we were taking a bath together? Wasn't that a date?

Brittany: Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious.

Finn: Is it true?

Brittany: No. Of course not.

Finn: You're not leaving New Directions?

Brittany: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Salena Gomez pregnancy rumors.

Sue Sylvester

Sue: I got a bee in my bonnet and that bee's name is government waste. Earlier today I saw a state employee in the person of one Vina the lunch-lady throw away 300 pounds of precious expired turkey gravy, simply because Uncle Sam said there were too many weevils in it. Well you know what has no expiration date, voters? My rage! I have in my hand the budget for the McKinly High production of West Side Story, a musical about a race war that glorifies gang violence. It still seems extraordinarily gay... If this nation wants to impress it's future Chinese overlords, we need to get our priorities straight.

Sue: The arts are going down. Today the musical, tomorrow the glee club. Next weekend PR and opera and brunch, and Tom Bergeron.

Sue: Well, if it isn't Porcelain's dad, who may or may not have a baboon heart.

Sue: You mess with me, I will Temple of Doom my fist through your chest and pull out your still pumping artificial heart, which I will then hook up to my car, power us down to the lumberjack convention for some deep discounts on the Mid-West's largest selection of ill-fitting flannels.

Burt: Bullies don't have a very good track record of messing with the Hummels.

Sue: I heard, and I am literally horny with fear. You know, you might want to sneak a handful of Will Schuester's pat-nip butter-flavored follicle cream. Put some on your melon. That way you don't have to wear those baseball caps that are fooling absolutely no one.

Make-up lady: Okay, all finished.

Sue: You are nowhere near finished. You made me look 26, I asked you to make me look 22.

Sue: Think that might be a better use of school funds than flying the glee club to New York without a set list, only to lose at Nationals with a song they made up the night before. *Moves gut-buster burger closer to Burt* Have a good aneurysm.

Finn: Anyone mind if I just dig in?

Santanna Lopez

Santanna: Do not even think about talking for the next 30 seconds, okay? Nod so I know you understand me. *Rory nods* Good. Here's the deal, pixie boy. You've got a crush on my girl Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's every that's good in this miserable, stinking world, do you agree? Nod. *Rory nods* Good. Also she thinks you're a sprightly green mythological creature, but I know you're a potato eating poser. But since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I'm not gonna exploit you. So here's how it's gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Anniston is my favorite movie. It learned me two things. One, leprechauns like fixing shoe-buckles because they're gay, and two, they grant wishes. So you're gonna grant me a wish.

Santanna: That's right, double-stuffed, fatty gassy McGravy pants... You are such a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite. It's friggin' hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dream-boat acapella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.

Sugar: Awesome! More backup for me.

Santanna: Oh, okay, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, Richy-bitch.

Finn Hudson

Finn: What happens when the Pope dies?

Kurt: Heaven, you think.

Rory: I love everything about America. Especially NASCAR, your half-black president, and Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Finn: Yeah, me too.

Rory: She thinks I'm a leprechaun.

Finn: Yeah, she's kind of like Rain Man with boobs.

Funny one-liners.

Puck: Global warming is awesome. All those melting ice-caps keep my pool cleaning business open from March through Thanksgiving. I do my part by revving my truck's engine every day, and never getting a smog check.

Kurt: Did you airbrush out your jowls?

Figgins: William, I am caught between a rock, and a different, yet equally hard rock

Crazy lady: You! My son can't read, and you want him to sing and dance?! *Throws brick at Figgins' car*

Director 3: I'm a big fan of the show, just because there are so many deaths in it.

Other funny lines

Tina: Mercedes was one of Glee's original members. I feel naked in here without her.

Puck: Yeah, well get used to it, 'cause without her singing for us we'll have to perform naked for the judges to vote for us at sectionals.

Burt: Figgins, allow me to introduce you to some friends of mine down at the Rotary club. These are the owners of Lima's 3 funeral parlors.

Funaral Director 1: Well, strictly speaking mine is a pet funeral parlor

Director 2: And mine is a crematorium, so we also bake and deliver delicious brick-oven pizza.

Ep. 3~The best lines, IMO

This is probably going to be my last post for a while, since there won't be any new episodes until November. So sad... but enjoy these quotes from last week's stellar episode, Asian F.

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Coach Beiste (I'm really liking her this season. She's spouting out almost as many hilarious lines as Brittany!)

Coach Beiste: Alright, listen up ladies. Number one, I kicked a fire hydrant when I heard Asa Kicks was canceled, hence, the crutches. Number two, the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating stack infection, so fellas, wash yourselves. That includes your bat-cave and your bramble-patches. (Number two is hard to hear because Mike is on camera)

Azimio: Coach, no disrespect but, my daddy ain't raised me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my daddy didn't even raise me!

Coach Beiste: Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half of the NFL on Dancing with the Stars, boo-yah!

(Trying to decide between Rachel or Mercedes for Maria)

Coach Beiste: Harvard/Yale, 1968, Bush/Gore, 2000, and now...

Coach Beiste: It's one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my prize donkeys to pay my gas bill. I sold Kim, but I kept Chloe.

Funny one-liners

Tina: Excuse me from gym all year, or I'll drain your spicy curry blood! *hiss!*

Kurt: We have two days left for people to announce their candidacy, that leaves me and Brittany running in this race, which is more like me running and, you know, Brittany is whimsically hopping and skipping nearby. No one takes her seriously.

(In response to Rachel saying she'd vote for Kurt)

Brittany: Oh, so you're cool with washing McKinley High's future down the magical poop-stealing water chair?

Artie: The kid's never late, he runs like an expensive Swiss watch cheaply reproduced in China.

Will: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but has anyone ever told you that you're both a little racist?

Other funny lines

Will: If you're serious about you and me, why haven't I met your parents?

Emma: Because we... um, they're dead.

Will: You spoke to them on the phone last night.

Emma: I spoke to their ghosts last night, I have ghost parents.

(After Kurt gives Blaine a bunch of flowers. Awwwww! ^_^)

Kurt: You killed your audition, Blaine. If anyone else got the role of Tony, including me, the wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Schubert Alley locusts. These are to celebrate... you.

Blaine: You always zig when I think you're about to zag, and I, I just... I love that about you.

Puck: Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans!

Kurt: I have a feeling that people are going to be talking about this face-off for the rest of our lives.

Emma: My parents are ginger supremacists.

Mr. Pillsbury: We're not ginger supremacists, we're more ginger preservationists.

Mrs. Pillsbury: We don't hate anybody, we just prefer the company of other red-heads.

Mrs. Pillsbury: Oops, looks like freaky-deaky's coming down with a mean case of the cleanys.

Mr. Pillsbury: And don't bother trying to stop her once she starts, Will. We used to tie her thumbs together, and she'd chew right through the twine. Adorable.

Coming up (way in the future): Ep. 4~Pot O' Gold

Ep. 2~The best lines, IMO

Brittany S. Pears

Brittany: Out of all the kids in this school, I think you're the biggest unicorn.

Kurt: I'm sorry?

Brittany: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he's magical, and then his horn falls off. And black unicorns, they become zebras.

Kurt: Well... that's a terrifying story.

Teacher: What's the capitol of Ohio? Brittany?

Brittany: O.

Teacher: What? Do you even know who the president is?

Brittany: Will.i.am.

(Entire class laughs.)

Kurt: I really don't know what to say.

Brittany: It happens to me all the time. My lips move, but only dust comes out.

Kurt: I think I might as well have a big neon sign on my head that says "Gay-diddy gay gay gay gay gay!"

Brittany: Might be a long, eccentric word, but I love it.

Kurt: I'm joking.

Brittany: Well, next time you make a joke, nudge me in the ribs or honk a horn or something.

Sue Sylvester

Sue: Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle, tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.

Quinn: Thanks.

Will: Do you eat a whole chicken every day?

Beiste: I eat a whole chicken at every meal!

Sue: Well, hello She-Hulk, Weepy the vest clown.

Will: Good one.

Sue: And little Ms. Golden Marmoset. It's a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it's your spitting image. You know what, I'm going to send you a photo. Are you still at freakish bony ginger at gmail dot com?

Sue: Well, I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects.

Funny one-liners

Beiste: In college I was in "A funny thing happened on the way to the forum." I was the forum.

Figgins: Mrs. Denny-Brown! Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet-paper shortage with to this enormous check! Wipe away!

Quinn: I don't have time for this. Gotta meet the Skanks up on the roof. Gonna throw ketchup covered tampons at the marching band.

Puck: I even did some homework. Turns out Napolean? Not just a desert, he was a real dude!

Artie: Thanks Coach. (To Emma) She's like my own private Jim Henson.

Beiste: I want a Tony that excites my lady-parts. Hummel's... too much of a lady.

(To Blaine's performance.)

Artie: I so want to give you a standing ovation right now!

Other funny lines

Will: As you all know, Vocal Adrenaline came in 2nd at Nationals last year.

Finn: Yeah, the only good thing to come out of that lost weekend.

(Nudge from Rachel)

Finn: I mean, besides us getting back together.

(Schuester lists people who need Booty Camp, including Kurt)

Kurt: I must protest!

Mike: You can't have one move, Kurt. It's like this sashay, and it's super distracting.

Will: Jones.

Mercedes: What?! Hell to the nizzy no!

Kurt: I wanted something toned down!

Santanna: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Coming up: Ep. 3~The best lines, IMO

Ep. 1~The best lines, IMO

Sorry I'm late with the review for episode 2, but I figured before I wrote it up, I'd watch #1 again and give you some of my favorite lines from my favorite characters. (I could only do it now, because Hulu lets you see the episode 8 days after it's aired.)

Brittany S. Pears
Jacob: Brittany, what are your plans for the future?
Brittany: Wait... are you working on a time machine too?

Tina: Why are all our trophies in the middle of the room?
Brittany: I was sure our trophy would grow during the summer.

Santanna: We joined the Cheerios together, we joined glee club together, we slept with Puckerman the same year, we’re like besties for life.
Brittany: Yeah, come on, Quinn. You know, we used to be like the 3 Musketeers. Now Santanna and I are like Almond Joy and you’re a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ash tray.

Brittany: I found pepperoni in my bra.
Santanna: Those are your nipples.

Kurt Hummel
(To losing Nationals)
Kurt: Mercedes has a point. Finn and Rachel’s “the kiss that missed” already has 20,000 views on Youtube and the comment section is just full of pith banter, like, “why is the T-rex eating the jew?”

Rachel: We have an important announcement to make.
Emma: I thought this day might come. Really, this is the only dating combination that the glee club hasn’t tried.
Kurt: We’re not dating!
(Emma hands flier saying ME and my HAG)

Emma: Juliard doesn’t have a musical theater department.
Kurt: (Smiles with vacant expression) … Wait, what?

Kurt: You promised by the first day of school you’d make a decision, and yet, there you sit. Cute as ever, but still in your Warblers blazer.

Kurt: If you stay at Dalton, you and I are competitors.
Blaine: That’s true.
Kurt: And I’m just not sure that our budding love can survive that.
Blaine: Let me get this straight. I have to transfer, because you’re just afraid that I’m gonna beat you at Sectionals.
Kurt: No, I’m afraid I’m gonna beat you, (Blaine: Ooooh!) and I know what that does to you, when I win. Look, honestly, I just want to see you more. I want my senior year to be magic, and the only way that’s going to happen is to spend every minute of every day, with you.
(Kurt+Blaine hold hands. Awwww.)

Kurt: Shouldn’t you be at Warbler practise, putting the finishing touches on another Katy Perry show-stopper?

Sue Sylvester
(Seeing her poll numbers were low)
Sue: I thought the people wanted a candidate who for something. That’s why I took that pro-deportation stance. But the people are angry. They want a candiate who’s against something.
Becky: What about toast? It’s already been baked. I don’t get why you need to cook it again.

(After Mike and Tina were playing Chopsticks on the piano and Sue wreaks it)
Sue: Oh, I’m sorry, I just realized that song might be the national anthem from whatever country you’re from.
Mike: That’s really offensive.

Sue: I have spent the entire year being nothing but kind to you people!
Tina: Today’s only the second day of school.

Sue: Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement, so feel free to wet yourselves with excitement.

Other funny lines
Jacob: I thought you were a senior.
Artie: Optical illusion. The chair adds a year.

Jacob: Twitter says you’re officially dating Sam Evans, aka, Trouty mouth, aka, Hobo McBieber.
Mercedes: Honey, that is so June.

(Breaking up with Puck)
Lauren: Aw, don’t be sad. We’ll always have Subway.
Puck: She’s the one that got away. Really really slowly.

Artie: Her ears should get to park in my handicapped spot.
Will: Holy shhhh... Sugar!

Harmony: I know you totally recognize me. It’s ‘cause I’m the Gerber baby. I’ve been acting since I was a fetus, literally. An ultra-sound of me was featured on “Murder She Wrote.”
Gay 1: I was in an all-male cast of Grease!
Gay 2: As my future husband, Robert Pattinson, always says, “It’s refreshing to have new blood.”

Coming up: Ep. 3~Asian F.