Brittany: Out of all the kids in this school, I think you're the biggest unicorn.
Kurt: I'm sorry?
Brittany: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he's magical, and then his horn falls off. And black unicorns, they become zebras.
Kurt: Well... that's a terrifying story.
Teacher: What's the capitol of Ohio? Brittany?
Teacher: What? Do you even know who the president is?
(Entire class laughs.)
Kurt: I really don't know what to say.
Brittany: It happens to me all the time. My lips move, but only dust comes out.
Kurt: I think I might as well have a big neon sign on my head that says "Gay-diddy gay gay gay gay gay!"
Brittany: Might be a long, eccentric word, but I love it.
Kurt: I'm joking.
Brittany: Well, next time you make a joke, nudge me in the ribs or honk a horn or something.
Sue: Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle, tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.
Will: Do you eat a whole chicken every day?
Beiste: I eat a whole chicken at every meal!
Sue: Well, hello She-Hulk, Weepy the vest clown.
Will: Good one.
Sue: And little Ms. Golden Marmoset. It's a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it's your spitting image. You know what, I'm going to send you a photo. Are you still at freakish bony ginger at gmail dot com?
Sue: Well, I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects.
Beiste: In college I was in "A funny thing happened on the way to the forum." I was the forum.
Figgins: Mrs. Denny-Brown! Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet-paper shortage with to this enormous check! Wipe away!
Quinn: I don't have time for this. Gotta meet the Skanks up on the roof. Gonna throw ketchup covered tampons at the marching band.
Puck: I even did some homework. Turns out Napolean? Not just a desert, he was a real dude!
Artie: Thanks Coach. (To Emma) She's like my own private Jim Henson.
Beiste: I want a Tony that excites my lady-parts. Hummel's... too much of a lady.
(To Blaine's performance.)
Artie: I so want to give you a standing ovation right now!
Other funny lines
Will: As you all know, Vocal Adrenaline came in 2nd at Nationals last year.
Finn: Yeah, the only good thing to come out of that lost weekend.
(Nudge from Rachel)
Finn: I mean, besides us getting back together.
(Schuester lists people who need Booty Camp, including Kurt)
Kurt: I must protest!
Mike: You can't have one move, Kurt. It's like this sashay, and it's super distracting.
Mercedes: What?! Hell to the nizzy no!
Kurt: I wanted something toned down!
Santanna: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.
Coming up: Ep. 3~The best lines, IMO