Coach Beiste (I'm really liking her this season. She's spouting out almost as many hilarious lines as Brittany!)
Coach Beiste: Alright, listen up ladies. Number one, I kicked a fire hydrant when I heard Asa Kicks was canceled, hence, the crutches. Number two, the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating stack infection, so fellas, wash yourselves. That includes your bat-cave and your bramble-patches. (Number two is hard to hear because Mike is on camera)
Azimio: Coach, no disrespect but, my daddy ain't raised me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my daddy didn't even raise me!
Coach Beiste: Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half of the NFL on Dancing with the Stars, boo-yah!
(Trying to decide between Rachel or Mercedes for Maria)
Coach Beiste: Harvard/Yale, 1968, Bush/Gore, 2000, and now...
Coach Beiste: It's one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my prize donkeys to pay my gas bill. I sold Kim, but I kept Chloe.
Tina: Excuse me from gym all year, or I'll drain your spicy curry blood! *hiss!*
Kurt: We have two days left for people to announce their candidacy, that leaves me and Brittany running in this race, which is more like me running and, you know, Brittany is whimsically hopping and skipping nearby. No one takes her seriously.
(In response to Rachel saying she'd vote for Kurt)
Brittany: Oh, so you're cool with washing McKinley High's future down the magical poop-stealing water chair?
Artie: The kid's never late, he runs like an expensive Swiss watch cheaply reproduced in China.
Will: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but has anyone ever told you that you're both a little racist?
Other funny lines
Will: If you're serious about you and me, why haven't I met your parents?
Emma: Because we... um, they're dead.
Will: You spoke to them on the phone last night.
Emma: I spoke to their ghosts last night, I have ghost parents.
(After Kurt gives Blaine a bunch of flowers. Awwwww! ^_^)
Kurt: You killed your audition, Blaine. If anyone else got the role of Tony, including me, the wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Schubert Alley locusts. These are to celebrate... you.
Blaine: You always zig when I think you're about to zag, and I, I just... I love that about you.
Puck: Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans!
Kurt: I have a feeling that people are going to be talking about this face-off for the rest of our lives.
Emma: My parents are ginger supremacists.
Mr. Pillsbury: We're not ginger supremacists, we're more ginger preservationists.
Mrs. Pillsbury: We don't hate anybody, we just prefer the company of other red-heads.
Mrs. Pillsbury: Oops, looks like freaky-deaky's coming down with a mean case of the cleanys.
Mr. Pillsbury: And don't bother trying to stop her once she starts, Will. We used to tie her thumbs together, and she'd chew right through the twine. Adorable.
Coming up (way in the future): Ep. 4~Pot O' Gold