Rory: Top o' the mornin', Brittany.
Brittany: Okay, first of all, you look magical and amazing, but I don't understand what you're saying, so if you want to make it in this land, you have to speak English.
Brittany: Your magical race, they make my favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. I really wish that you would make me a box of Lucky Charms, with all marshmallows!
Rory: You're in luck. Lucky the Leprechaun happens to be my cousin, and he lives 3 toadstools down.
Brittany: Every night I feed Lord Tubbington nougat and sprinkles, and I rub his belly 7 times with glitter sticks, and so far nothing works.
Rory: You do that, because...
Brittany: I want Lord Tubbington to poop candy bars. *Rory gives her an amused look* What? Does everybody wish for that or something?
Santanna: Brit, I want to talk about, um, you know, that thing that we never talk about?
Brittany: What, that Sour Patch kids are just Gummi Bears that turned to drugs?
Santanna: Are we dating? Or what?
Brittany: Wait. Isn't this a date? Aren't you paying? 'Cause I ordered shrimp. Wasn't last week when we were taking a bath together? Wasn't that a date?
Brittany: Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious.
Finn: Is it true?
Brittany: No. Of course not.
Finn: You're not leaving New Directions?
Brittany: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Salena Gomez pregnancy rumors.
Sue: I got a bee in my bonnet and that bee's name is government waste. Earlier today I saw a state employee in the person of one Vina the lunch-lady throw away 300 pounds of precious expired turkey gravy, simply because Uncle Sam said there were too many weevils in it. Well you know what has no expiration date, voters? My rage! I have in my hand the budget for the McKinly High production of West Side Story, a musical about a race war that glorifies gang violence. It still seems extraordinarily gay... If this nation wants to impress it's future Chinese overlords, we need to get our priorities straight.
Sue: The arts are going down. Today the musical, tomorrow the glee club. Next weekend PR and opera and brunch, and Tom Bergeron.
Sue: Well, if it isn't Porcelain's dad, who may or may not have a baboon heart.
Sue: You mess with me, I will Temple of Doom my fist through your chest and pull out your still pumping artificial heart, which I will then hook up to my car, power us down to the lumberjack convention for some deep discounts on the Mid-West's largest selection of ill-fitting flannels.
Burt: Bullies don't have a very good track record of messing with the Hummels.
Sue: I heard, and I am literally horny with fear. You know, you might want to sneak a handful of Will Schuester's pat-nip butter-flavored follicle cream. Put some on your melon. That way you don't have to wear those baseball caps that are fooling absolutely no one.
Make-up lady: Okay, all finished.
Sue: You are nowhere near finished. You made me look 26, I asked you to make me look 22.
Sue: Think that might be a better use of school funds than flying the glee club to New York without a set list, only to lose at Nationals with a song they made up the night before. *Moves gut-buster burger closer to Burt* Have a good aneurysm.
Finn: Anyone mind if I just dig in?
Santanna: Do not even think about talking for the next 30 seconds, okay? Nod so I know you understand me. *Rory nods* Good. Here's the deal, pixie boy. You've got a crush on my girl Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's every that's good in this miserable, stinking world, do you agree? Nod. *Rory nods* Good. Also she thinks you're a sprightly green mythological creature, but I know you're a potato eating poser. But since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I'm not gonna exploit you. So here's how it's gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Anniston is my favorite movie. It learned me two things. One, leprechauns like fixing shoe-buckles because they're gay, and two, they grant wishes. So you're gonna grant me a wish.
Santanna: That's right, double-stuffed, fatty gassy McGravy pants... You are such a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite. It's friggin' hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dream-boat acapella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.
Sugar: Awesome! More backup for me.
Santanna: Oh, okay, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, Richy-bitch.
Finn: What happens when the Pope dies?
Kurt: Heaven, you think.
Rory: I love everything about America. Especially NASCAR, your half-black president, and Victoria's Secret catalogs.
Finn: Yeah, me too.
Rory: She thinks I'm a leprechaun.
Finn: Yeah, she's kind of like Rain Man with boobs.
Puck: Global warming is awesome. All those melting ice-caps keep my pool cleaning business open from March through Thanksgiving. I do my part by revving my truck's engine every day, and never getting a smog check.
Kurt: Did you airbrush out your jowls?
Figgins: William, I am caught between a rock, and a different, yet equally hard rock
Crazy lady: You! My son can't read, and you want him to sing and dance?! *Throws brick at Figgins' car*
Director 3: I'm a big fan of the show, just because there are so many deaths in it.
Other funny lines
Tina: Mercedes was one of Glee's original members. I feel naked in here without her.
Puck: Yeah, well get used to it, 'cause without her singing for us we'll have to perform naked for the judges to vote for us at sectionals.
Burt: Figgins, allow me to introduce you to some friends of mine down at the Rotary club. These are the owners of Lima's 3 funeral parlors.
Funaral Director 1: Well, strictly speaking mine is a pet funeral parlor
Director 2: And mine is a crematorium, so we also bake and deliver delicious brick-oven pizza.