Sue Sylvester
Sue: Baboons are dangerous killers who throw their own feces when they're not tearing off people's faces or admiring their own weird butts.
Sue: I have a cause. Several actually. I hate the arts... and a bunch of other stuff. If you wanna win, find yourself a cause, my friend, and then start flinging poo. Winning is really about poo-flinging.
Kurt: I refuse to believe that. I agree that perhaps I need a better cause, but I'm going to win this thing without having to fling a single stinky nugget.
Sue: Burt Hummel claims he doesn't have a baboon heart. He also claims he isn't married to a donkey. Well which is it, Burt Hummel? Baboon heart or donkey bride? Donkeys have no place in politics. They bite off children's fingers and pee absolutely anywhere. Do we really need another Washington politician married to a pack animal? Don't let Burt Hummel make an ass out of you, Ohio.
Becky: Polls have you in at first place, coach. Almost everyone loves the new ad.
Sue: Almost everyone? Well, that ad was bullet-proof. I accused Burt Hummel of using his tire-shop to sexually assault automobiles. What's not to like about that?
Santanna Lopez
Santanna: Hey there, orca.
Finn: Hey, Santanna. You look like an ass-less J. Lo. (Santanna laughs)
Rory: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.
Santanna: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of.
Brittany: Not one word.
Santanna: You seriously think you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how mi abuela put me to sleep at night, and she is not a nice lady. You know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't 'til I got to Kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage-face.
Santanna: Oh, it's on, Pillsbury dough-turd.
Santanna: You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. And yet at some point I must have liked that you looked like a taco addict who's had one too many back-alley liposuctions.
Rory: Whoa.
Santanna: Please stick a sock in it, or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown... I'm sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years, and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coat-tails for the rest of your life. Although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent out of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the hannukah lamp for 8 magical nights.
Britanny S. Pears
Brittany: Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it.
Mercedes: I was up half the night thinking about our mashup for the mashoff, and it came to me. Adele.
Sugar: I sound just like her.
Brittany: Dude, I love her! She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings.
Noah Puckerman
Puck: I made a list of reasons we should be together. Number 1: You're hot. Number 2: I'm hot.
Puck: It's happened. The Lion King, Puck-fasa has been caged.
Campaign speeches
Rick "the Stick" Nielsen: So. I was talking to my dad, who says that since he pays taxes and stuff, like, for teachers, which pretty much means that we're your boss. So I think it's time that the teachers started doing what we say. And how about you stop talking in class, Mrs. Jannisek? Everything you say is boring. Vote Rick the Stick!
Britanny: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our schools safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, I pledge to go topless. (Large response from the audience.) Whoo!
Kurt: Although she knows it to be untrue, my opponent Brittany stated that my face was used as a template for Hasbro's successful line of My Little Ponies.
Shelby: Maybe competition will bring out the best in them.
Will: Or maybe it'll turn into World War Glee.
Finn: Have you ever heard of the term trash talk?
Rory: Is that when you discuss trash?
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